Anonymous said: hello i need ur help this guy we are super duper close bffs & we joke around a lot, & we were talking & playing around as usual & i said something sexual as a joke but he replied "god youre so fucking hot" & then proceeded to tell me that he was horny & asked for pics. so me being me i was like um no im sorry (( because i dont roll like that )) & then he started being mean & i feel like i disappointed him & i hate letting people down but i dont wanna send nudes :-( help please
Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.
What is it you like best about your great relationship with your super duper close BFF, letter writer? Is it how he pressures you into doing things that you’re not comfortable with? Is it how he’s “mean” when you don’t comply with his sexual demands? Is it how he holds the good things hostage until you show him that his needs, rather than yours, are your first priority?
Bad Advisor knows that sounds harsh, LW, but the Bad Advisor gets the impression that you are a tough cookie, LW. Because you stood your ground: you don’t roll like that when someone asks you for nude photos. You especially don’t roll like that when a manipulative, selfish dude asks you for nude photos. You have fantabulous instincts. You should stick with them, because they are doing right by you.
Here’s what: a real friend, a true super duper BFF will never be “let down” when you don’t provide them with sexual gratification—moreover, a kind of sexual gratification that is not only not at all pleasurable for you but in fact puts you in a great deal of potential danger and which makes you deeply uncomfortable. If you’re a teenager, you yourself can be prosecuted for taking nude photos of yourself! (Let us leave a discussion of the logic of this fact for another day.)
If you’re out of the age-related-prosecution-woods, (or if you’re not) you must understand that the likelihood of your “super duper BFF” being the only human on planet earth ever to see the nude photo you send is PRACTICALLY ZERO. Either your “super duper BFF”—who, let’s remember is holding his niceness and friendship hostage as leverage to make you do something you don’t want to do that takes care of his sad boner—shares it with his friends, or his computer or phone is hacked, or someone “borrowing” his computer or phone snoops and finds the photos (POTENTIALLY YEARS DOWN THE LINE! THE INTERNET IS FOREVER, LETTER WRITER! FOOOORRREEEEEVVVVVEERRRRRRR), and you—wherever you may be now or in a few years—may never know when or if you will deal with the fallout.
The fallout itself? May be of varying degrees and manners of suckitude. Let’s be real: if you are a ladyperson, the sexist, misogynist, shame-obsessed sack of shit patriarchal society we live in is going to invite everyone who knows about your nude photos to look down on you and judge you for doing them.
If you’re going to take some nude photos—and there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with taking n00dz, particularly ones in which you take an active role in shooting / developing / styling / posing / printing / disseminating to trusted partners or clients—FOR THE LOVE OF BOUNCING, BUMBLING BABY BOSEPHUS, ONLY TAKE NUDE PHOTOS BECAUSE YOU THINK IT WOULD BE A FUN, SEXY, EMPOWERING THING TO DO THAT YOU LIKE AND ENJOY, and not because some brosef with a boner cajoled you into doing it before you were ready. And hey, you may never be ready. And never being ready is totally fine.
And after you continue to not send this dude nudes, you need to have a straight talk with him about boundaries. Please tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you will not be providing him with nudes, and that if that means he can’t treat you like a sentient human being who deserves respect and appreciation, you and he are going to stop being “super duper BFF’s” in the shortest of orders. And then stick to that. If he cleans up his selfish act, and quits pressuring you to do things sexually that you don’t want to do and instead treats you in a way that makes you feel happy and fulfilled rather than sad and pressured, then victory is won.
BUT MOREOVER the Bad Advisor wants to address this couple of lines specifically, wherein you write: "i feel like i disappointed him & i hate letting people down but i dont wanna send nudes :-("
One of the things that sucks about being a particularly empathetic person, which it sounds like you are, is that you feel like if you like and are nice to someone, they will like and be nice to you back, because you overestimate other people’s capacity for empathy. And then when the other person does horrible, assbaggy shit—like, for example, is mean to you just because you won’t send them nude photos—you project all kinds of REASONS AND RATIONALIZATIONS for why they’re being mean, because you’re continuing to assume that somewhere in there, they’re as nice and kind as you are and they like, accidentally flew into a mean cloud on their way to the Isle Of Not Being A Shithead.
Maybe you think, “I don’t understand why my super duper BFF is being so mean to me about these nude photos, because we are super duper BFF’s and he is such a great person!” It’s the last bit of that line of thinking that will fuck you up every time.
When people do and say mean and hurtful things without apologizing and amending later behavior, they are not secret nice people with unfortunate or accidental mean exteriors. They are assholes who use a veneer of niceness to groom and manipulate other people into giving them what they want. You never need worry about letting people like this down.
People who are nice friends and who are good to you and who care about you will never be let down when you don’t do sexual favors for them.
TL;DR - Don’t send nudes to this guy, ever. If he can’t fucking deal with it, never talk to him again. There is a world of people out there who don’t hold kindness hostage unless you do something about their stupid boring boners.
I also espeically like this comment added: “alonelycloud said: As a genuinely nice person, you really hit the nail on the head. It was a hard lesson to learn that most people aren’t as nice or good of a person as I thought. This good advice is good.”